'We must free ourselves of the hope that the sea will ever rest. We must learn to sail in high winds'- Aristotle
The water of my tension is cool when I fall in, in waves I have memories jolted against my body and sometimes rising high above me and breaking when the memories transitions to another one. The water is slowly soaking every bone in my body, every bone can feel the anguish, can feel the guilt, can feel the little glitches of happiness, pulsate through my body. My head is bobbing across the surface of the sea of my worries, just one tidal wave away to pull me into its arms.
And it does.
It all happens too quickly, one minute I am floating on the surface, oblivious to the future and oblivious to the past and the very next second I am drowning, falling, aimlessly spirally down in a sea of all those pent up worries. I have repressed them, taken them all in, I gave them a life inside of me. Every hurtful memory, every single drop of tear is remembered with such clarity… with such astonishing clarity. I am drowning, too quickly, too suddenly… can someone help me?
I am failing my arms, and trying to swim up, the anchor of pain in my life pulls me down. Every rejection, every snide remark, every blow to heart they resonate from within me, they have a voice of their own. These voices want to scream, these voices want to shout, these voices want me to just open my mouth.
And I do.
I let the life out of me. I let the oxygen run away from me. I swallow my guilt, I swallow my pride. It tastes funny and I begin to close my eyes. I feel my lungs racing, I feel my heart crying. I feel… I feel so much. I feel so much my head hurts. I think so much that my brain is far gone… My mind has run away from me, but it has left letters. Those letters contain my memories. The happy, the sad, the benevolent, the observant, the trials and tribulations, the despair and hope. They all flood me, they all come rushing me… they call for me, each fragments whispers a name… each fragment has something to say: Don’t give up… No, just don’t, there is a chance…. There is always a chance.
I am paralysed.
I see my life. It’s a long cinematic reel. I taste the colours, some taste bitter, some taste funny but some are parts of a whole, and those are so delightful to eat. I feel my hands longing for these delights, I feel my legs push off the lassitude. I feel this within me… there is a changing. I feel this glow, that power, the brightest one and for a moment I am completely still until sudden I burst open from my bosom. Ribbons and ribbons of the people who loved me, vibrant long strands of every memory. Oh I was like a rainbow, my colours flooding the darkness in the sea of nothing.
I come alive.
There is a rocket waiting to launch. The adrenaline of hope kicks in, the pull of love so strong. I feel hands grab me, I feel myself, up… out of the water… this must mean that I am, free. Freedom is beautiful. Freedom is a luxury. I cough and gurgle the negativity outside of me, the funny taste slipping out of my mouth. I rise, I’m cold but oh I am free… the stars above me, shine so pretty, the smell of anticipation or legato notes from a beautiful memories. Dandelions… I see them there. A field of simple purity. Bright yellow with dabs of brown, they are so big, they may just encompass me. Right there is a large tree, it’s warm… and so brotherly. I trust… I trust myself with these… dandelions and you giant oak tree.
I am not sad anymore.
The sky is blue, but it’s light, fluffy and heavy with security. They wait for me… Maybe they always have. They take care of me and soak me to the bone with happiness, sense and logic. This is life. And this is my family. Life is always beautiful. It’s us who make the choice to dive in the sea. Not all of us can swim, some of us can just float. So if you are scared then don’t go alone, learn to swim or stay afloat. Don’t be alone, for if you drown, there will be no one but yourself who can pull you out.
‘Every white rose, has a dark shadow’- Sachi